Merry Christmas...

I don't know what it is...but as hard as I try...I cannot get into the Christmas Spirit. There is something of a loneliness around this time of year when others gather together with family and friends. I will be heading home for a few days this year to spend time with my family, but it is the rest of the month that is hard. Most of the music turns to mentions of loved ones and holiday feel goods.

I guess some of it has to do with my ongoing struggle for vocation. I get gung-ho about the single life and then I get hard with the feelings of what it would be like to have a significant other. Then I will find blessings in my life that I could not accomplish if I was attached to a family...and then I will find feelings of loneliness again...an ever turning wheel of emotion.

I want to come to a point where I have it all figured out...probably won't ever come...but I would like a little peace in this situation. Please...give me some kind of sign. Is it single life, married life...will I find out at the end of the year...5 years from now...10? I can't take this much longer...it hurts...

Breaking the Streak

I love the kids so much...but I don't think I can do this much longer.

LifeGuides has always been the thing I do at St. Tom's. I just don't enjoy it any more...it feels like work; it has become work. I don't enjoy working with the other team members...I don't feel like they care about the program as much as I do, and it hurts. Meetings drag on for hours...and little to nothing is accomplished.

The man in charge keeps saying he wants to restructure the meeting so it runs more efficiently, but we are a third of the way through the semester with no change. One of the other leaders pays no attention to detail, and thus we loose credibility with the parents with every correspondence. Other leaders don't show up to half the stuff.

It is just so frustrating, I don't know if I can take it much more...I am seriously considering quitting but can't bring myself to do it mid-semester. I also don't want to give up the youth I work with. I want to stay in youth ministry...but I can't do it with the group I work with.

Lord Help Me!

The Man I want to be...

I was posed the question tonight...what kind of man do you want to be. Thank God it was a rhetorical question...I didn't have an answer. What kind do I want to be? I've never really thought about it before...I guess you don't just become a man...you have to work for it. Laziness gets you nowhere.

I want to be honest, caring, handy, goofy, loving, open. I want to make enough to get by...but a few perks would be nice. I want to be able to enjoy my hobbies...and share them with others. I want to be God-fearing yet God-centered. I want to be able to guide others toward a life following Jesus Christ. I want to be hard-working, energetic, kind.

I am succeeding in some areas, but failing in others. Lord, help me to be the man I want to be...but first help me to be the man You want me to be.

Am I trapped or stubborn?

Am I afraid to grow up? I feel like I am being left behind. My friends have all gotten married or moved on. I am still at college. I want a relationship so bad, but I am cutoff from any chance of one. I am surrounded by beautiful, single, Catholic women...and I can't do anything about it.

Our culture puts marriage and relationships at the center of everything. It is flashed everywhere...it's hard to avoid them. Every time I see them I want a relationship even more.

Am I truly happy where I am...or am I just putting on a mask to pretend. Am I trapped, or just afraid of taking a leap. This probably isn't healthy. I put on a happy face when I go to work...but spend the evening sitting in front of my TV trying to figure out who I am, where I am going, and self-loathing. I need out. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live a normal life. I want to move forward but I don't want to make the effort. I make excuses for why it is impossible for me to move forward. I need someone to talk to, who will actually care enough to make me answer the tough questions and think about my life on a deeper level.

Retreat...

Retreat (spiritual), a religious or spiritual term for time taken to reflect or meditate;
Retreat (military), a withdrawal of military forces

So this weekend I tried my hardest to get out of town by 5pm for two nights of camping, in the woods away from civilization...let's just say I am still working on perfecting that art. I ended up leaving around 5:30-5:45...so not that bad. On the way down I decided to shut off my phone so I would be disconnected from the outside world.

I got down to Shades State Park and set up camp, pitched my tent...a new one I won in a silent auction, I wanted to try it out...and made supper on a little stove I made from pop cans. By this time it was approaching sunset. I grabbed my backpack and made my way down one of the trails for a bit...and just sat there on a rock listening to the stream trickle below...in the approaching darkness. After about 20 mins I couldn't handle the silence anymore and figured it was time to head back to camp before it got too dark.

I attempted a fire so that I could read outside before bed...didn't think ahead and really didn't have the firewood to do it. So I turned in and read a short section by lantern light. Ironically the place in the book ("Wild at Heart") I was at, was entitled "Healing the Wound". After finishing the section...about 5 pages...I decided that was it for the night and tried to fall asleep. It took a while but I finally got comfortable and fell asleep...and actually got a good night's rest.

The next day I woke up...brewed a cup of coffee, and packed up to head out on the trails for the day. I got about an 1/8 of a mile down the trail and I stepped on a root and twisted my ankle. I sat dazed for a bit...but eventually got up to start walking on it. It was sore for the rest of the day but I was able to walk on it fine. I spent the day hiking the trails thinking about life, vocation, youth group...everything that has been weighing down on me the last few weeks. I am not sure that I really got any clarity out of hiking...but I know this...two things kept coming to mind:

       Am I retreating or running away?
       If I love camping and hiking so much, why am I not enjoying this?

I hiked two of the most rugged trails at Shades...rock hopping in both to make my way up the stream bead. It was beautiful!! Simply Amazing...but that feeling only lasted for a short while. Not having someone to turn to and say, "Look at that neat rock formation." or "How did this come to be?", kind of burst the bubble on exciting. They are just rock formations...that I will probably soon forget...not really memories.

I sat down to eat lunch around noon...wheat thins and a summer sausage. I brought a radio with me because I wanted to check in from time to time with the Purdue game to see how we were doing...just after kickoff we had scored a touchdown return, the game was off to a good start so I headed down another trail. As I walked out to the Nature Preserve it hit me harder and harder, it sucked not having someone there with me to share this all with. Why can't I be one of the couples that I passed on the trail. How awesome would it be to camp, spend the day hiking and then return strike up a campfire...cook dinner and just enjoy each other's company in God's land.

My thoughts started to drift to why I had come out to the woods in the first place. Arguably it was a long week...only four days...but I had to make up for lost work time on Monday. I felt the need to get a way...but was I running away from it all? I kind of tried to get out of doing a few things on Friday so that I would be able to leave by 5pm. I felt selfish...I mean that was kind of the point of the weekend...but was I doing it for the wrong reasons? We are called to be humble and self-sacrificing, how was I doing this by leaving on the weekend of a kick-off retreat for the freshmen, a P&W concert, helping out with Germanfest tear-down. How was me leaving and avoiding all of this helping in any way the greater whole?

I started to count down the hours. I didn't want to be camping anymore. I started weighing my options...how many hours till I could be packed and headed back to Lafayette? But I already paid for a second night? Was it worth it? What would I do when I got home? I tried to talk myself out of it, and then to talk myself into leaving early...finally deciding to do so. I had seen what I wanted of the park...I've been recently, and covered ground this weekend that I had not previously been to. I had no reason to stay out in the woods. What I had meant as a weekend of relaxation and re-centering my prayer life had become an internal conflict with myself on how to get out of there as fast as possible. Why had I even come, why did I make such a big deal about getting out of town? I made it back to camp and packed everything up just in-time to catch the last minute of the Purdue game. We won by six beating an opponent that had been slaughtered the week before by our arch-rival IU. I got in the car and headed back to Lafayette.

After I got back I cleaned up and laid down for a bit because I felt a headache coming on. I took a few aspirin and then took about an hour nap. I woke up and was half tempted to roll over and go back to sleep. I got myself out of bed and headed out to Germanfest to have a brat and try the People's Brew Co. specialty beer Oktoberfest...brewed specifically for the Germanfest. I thoroughly enjoyed Germanfest...caught up with some people I hadn't seen in a while and ended up helping to tear down at the end of the night...which included a free beer.

So where am I? I have no clue. In some ways I feel like I answered a few questions this weekend...in other ways...I feel like I am using some of it as a good excuse to stop discerning. My faith life has always been something that I did on my own...no one to really sit down and talk about it with, that just isn't how my family works. So it scares me to turn to someone else for help with my faith life. "I can do this on my own, I don't need someone else to judge me and tell me I am doing it wrong". How long can I keep that attitude before it blows up in my face...has it already blown? How do I open that conversation line up again?

I am not sure anymore what I hoped to get out of the weekend...but I'm not certain I achieved my goal. I shouldn't expect a one weekend fix...go out into the woods and everything will be better, but I was hoping for more of a sense of peace. I am right where I started if not a little more lost than before. I am not sure where to go from here...

Fear and Loneliness...

I have been putting this off...almost every day for a week I have been thinking about writing a post. I use this blog to kind of de-stress and let everything off my chest. Well, I have waited long enough.

I feel so alone, so lost. I can't say I have a direction for my life. I don't even know what I want. Some days I feel like it would be nice to have a significant other...someone I could talk to and let it all out to, I am not talking venting or letting off steam to co-workers. Someone I can truly open my soul to...tell the things I keep tucked away inside.

But other days I stop myself...I want a wife...but am I willing to give up the freedom that single-hood allows. There is a lot of time and effort that needs to go into a relationship...am I willing to do that. In some ways this is why my last real relationship failed. I am not a talk on the phone every night type of person, I like to talk face to face...when that isn't possible, I rarely make the effort. I've tried to get better at it...made attempts. But in the end I am pushing away some of my closest friends because I don't make that effort. I am balancing on a very thin beam. I talk with friends occasionally...but probably not enough anymore to constitute a true friendship.

Do I really have friends...or just acquaintances? If they are all just acquaintances...it isn't their fault, or for lack of trying. I have shut others out...trying to deal with me by myself. I think blaming my ex was a coping mechanism...I'm not saying I wasn't at fault for the break-up, I think we both had our issues. But I think it really scarred me, maybe even changed me. Good came from it...I think? I firmly believe that I did a lot of discerning in that first year...but then it went stale. I tell myself I am discerning...really I think I am just trying to fight through life and find my place in it...discerning, but recklessly...not in the way one should go about it. But with the good, also came the parts that screwed me up...that changed me...

At the point in my life where I thought I had everything figured out and planned out...dating a girl for three years, graduating, ready to start thinking about how I would propose...I fell off the bridge. All of a sudden I was a college graduate applying to McDonald's, no hopes of a job...single...alone and lost.

So where do I go from here? I don't know...if I did...I probably wouldn't be writing this post. I have no idea what to do, or who to reach out to. I am alone in this with a heavy fog lying in front of me. I am scared...

I Love My Little Sister!!!

My little sister is freaking awesome!!! She has a very real personality, doesn't take crap, enjoys the little things, and exudes a beautiful faith life. Why the sudden lauding of my sister on my blog...? This...

July 23, 2010 8:51pm

Hey. Mom was freaking out about getting the moving truck and not "knowing everything" that is going on next week so I told her that you had gotten the job in west laf. She wasn't too happy about it saying that "oh he owes me money and was supposed to come home so he could work it off. I had things for him to do around the house too." In other words she is pissed. She doesn't consider it a job. I was like well at least Andy would be working 40 hrs a week. It's a job and he'd be working more than you. She was like but I could make more that him in a day than what he does in a week. I was like well duh you've been working longer you should be able to do that. She's more or less pissed that you are staying in laf and saying "he never intended on coming back to this area."

Dad's still thinks all you'll be doing is "mowing the lawn." I tried to explain to him that you were doing other things and that a person couldn't mow the lawn every day of the week. They're basically just mad that you won't be subbing. Hopefully you were able to do some sort of deal with them about being able to at least once a week.

Mom's basically like "I'm cutting him off for good then." and basically told us to stop talking about you that as far as she was concerned you're not doing what you should with your life. Honestly it's all bull shit what they say. They need to understand that you have been trying to get jobs and that your type of job just isn't hiring right now. Subbing isn't a guaranteed position every day of the week and you'd basically be making the same amount of money you are at your guaranteed job. You're doing what you can do right now and mostly mom needs to understand that. She thinks that you don't want to sever your ties with School and that's why you're not moving. Which again is bull shit. Sure you may still want to be in the area but right now that is where you have a job.

She also thinks she deserves to know what Kim and you broke up. Which again is none of her business. If you wanted to tell us you would. Honestly whatever happened was between you two and it's not any of our business as to why that happened.

So I didn't mean to make this all ranting. Congratulations on getting the job and hope that you do find something better in the future, but for right now this is what you have been given and at least it's an opportunity that some people don't have. I'll be happy to see you when I get down to Purdue and hope that maybe you'll be able to come to the Band concert thing at the end of the week like you came to last year. It's on sat I believe or lateish Fri night. I'll let you know for sure later.

And that my friends is why everybody wishes their sister was as awesome as mine! My little sister stands up for me...and I'm the big brother. I ran across this tonight, It was written almost three years ago. I think I have swayed my dad...but my mom is another story. I have never been able to please her in anything I have ever done. It hurts...I want to live my life the way I feel I am called to live it, but she sucks the fun out of it and complains the entire way through. I am thankful for my little sister. We don't always see eye to eye on everything, we fight...siblings do that. But at the end of the day, I know that either of us would bend over backwards to help the other. Growing up when people heard twins in our family they often assumed sis and I were the twins. In many ways that makes sense now. Our personalities are similar and we share a lot of the same interests.

Anyway, the main point of this is that I came across this post tonight and it made me realize how privileged I am to have my little sister...and although she may have been a pain growing up (as was her job as a little sister) I will always treasure the experiences we have had over the years, and will continue to have!!!

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows Your name.

Vacation often means heading off to somewhere warm and exotic. Usually it doesn't land you in the middle of a forest, in pouring rain, surrounding by a busy schedule that leaves you exhausted at the end of the day.

Well it does for me, and I wouldn't have traded a second of it. Yeah there were times during the week that it would have been nice to be somewhere cushy and relaxing, but it wouldn't have taken my mind off of my real life job. Camp allowed me to remove myself from the outside world and focus on the moment.

The best part is that it felt as if I had never left. Within a half hour of pulling into camp I felt like I had been there last week and was staying the rest of the summer. Everyone knew who I was and started joking with me as they did with everyone else on staff. One of the things that hit me hard though was Tuesday afternoon. I saw one of my mom's friends at camp and he pulled me aside to tell me that I was the reason that his son was on staff this year. This was the same scout who was sleeping in the bunk above me all week.

I ended up working split between three areas: Waterfront, Trading Post, and pulling trap up at the Rifle Range...

Alive in You?

My last post talked about a friend asking me about how I was doing. I needed the kick in the butt to get myself rolling again. I had gotten stale in my faith...going through the motions...pretending I was intense when really I was lukewarm. "So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth." - Revelation 3:16 I needed the push.

I just got back from a week long mission/retreat at Alive in You - Chattanooga. It is a high school mission trip/retreat. I used the time to pull myself out of West Lafayette, although I still checked my phone daily to keep up on e-mails; but I did not respond to any of them. It was good, not a fix all, but definitely the spark I needed to light the fire. One song has stuck with me from the morning drive mix that was given to us Fuego - Lecrae specifically the repeated chorus: "Set the world on fire let's set the world on fire". It brings me back to St. Catherine of Siena - "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire."

Saints were actually the focus of the week. We were encouraged to pick 3-4 go to saints to reach out to in prayer when we struggle or just in our day to day life. I tried to come up with a few and then realized that I already carried these with me.

St. Andrew - the first apostle and my namesake, I am drawn to him because of his willingness and foresight to see the Christ as Lord and encourage others to follow him. Andrew brought his brother Peter to follow the Lord...the same Peter who would later be given the keys to heaven and become the first pope.

St. George - patron of Boy Scouts and Soldiers, a defender of honor and slayer of dragons. I turn to George to help fight the demons and the sins they carry. George was my confirmation saint, nothing against St. Michael...but I have always like George more.

St. Raphael the Archangel - patron of travelers and lovers. I originally picked up Raphael during my last serious relationship, where we took him as our patron. When that fell through I kept him with me...not really sure why, but in the end I am glad. Raphael is sent to lead Tobias to find his wife Sarah...his vocation. I have taken Raphael as my patron on the journey to my vocation. Also, I have always found it interesting that he is a little know Archangel. He only appears in the Catholic bible...and even a lot of Catholics have never heard of him because the book of Tobit is not one of the more widely know books. I also had a God moment a few years back when, going through some of my deceased grandfather's belongings I found a medal that, according to my dad, grandpa used to wear religiously. It bears the image of St. Raphael, and I wear it to this day.

This past week has taught me again to pray, to make time for prayer. I am reminded more and more that I cannot struggle with all of this on my own. I need to find a spiritual director, and I need to find a friend to lean on. But first I need to strengthen my prayer life. Before I can have a strong relationship with God I must first have a relationship with Him.

Alive in You was the perfectly timed kick I needed to stride forward and leave the sins of my past behind looking forward to freedom and service to others, so that I may set the world on fire with my actions...and not douse the flames.

What are you prepared to do...?

Well, I had a friend confront me today. Someone who asked for more.

"How are you doing?"

"Staying busy?"

"How are you really doing?"

I have been looking for this...someone to actually call me out and make me dig deeper. It was a good conversation and really helped me to question where I'm at. Am I comfortable...is this a bad comfortable. Am I allowing acedia to creep into my life and am I recognizing the harm it can cause?

I think, at least for the summer, I need to take a break from stressing my life on finding someone to date, or should I be single the rest of my life. I need to focus more on me and my prayer life. What can I do to make my relationship with Christ stronger?

What was his advice? Spiritual Director, and more prayer!

He quoted from the Untouchables "What are you prepared to do?" I'm going to watch tonight to hopefully get a little more insight.

I am looking forward to this next week and 'Alive in You'. I am in need of a retreat and this one will combine one with my love of youth ministry.

Mind the Gap

I miss having friends around that would hound me to get me to open up about what was bugging me. I have a lot of acquaintances that will question how I'm doing that day...but at the moment...none that see through a simple "doing good". Once the shell is cracked...I can talk more, but I don't talk about my feelings to people as much as I should. Instead I bottle them up until I explode on a post like this...and then end up being a bunch of garble that doesn't really say much about me or what I am going through. Or they turn out to be a rant that I am sure people have gotten sick of reading...if people actually read these. I know what I want...and I know where I am right now. I just don't know how to get where I want to be. It is that empty space between the two that causes me the pain, and gets me questioning what I really want in life. One day I will figure this all out...or I will spend my life alone, whether that is my call or not. I wish I had the answers. I wish I had someone to talk to about this that would understand and could talk me through it.

The Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today is one of the longest days I have had in a while. Where to begin...my dad essentially shot down any hopes I had for moving to a house, the other part of that one was seeing my paycheck and realizing I can't afford the houses I was looking at. I got pulled in about 8 different directions...which is usual for me...but today was more stressful than normal. I still have co-workers that don't understand what a deadline is. I am leaned on for EVERYTHING...if something comes up Andy will take care of it. Thankfully, I ended up getting everything done.

I am surrounded by beautiful, Catholic, women; none of which I have a chance with. None seem interested in me...and most are in that awkward spot of being students where I work.

I'm trapped. I enjoy what I do...most of the time. I don't make enough to realize some of my biggest dreams. I dream of woman I cannot have,

The Single Life for Me?...

I have tried to stay open to discernment but I don't know if I can do it anymore. Or maybe I am doing it wrong? Either way this doesn't seem healthy and I haven't found what I am looking for.

Discernment has become more burden than anything helpful. I want a family, I want children, I want to share my life with someone in a way that I can be open with them and share my deepest fears and agonies in a way that I have never been able to growing up or in any relationship I have ever had, I have always closed myself off. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach, I fall into depression and I find myself trying to fill the hole inside.

I don't know how to fix it, I've tried praying about it, spending time with it in Adoration. I ask God everyday to show me some sort of direction, nothing. I enjoy my work and what I do; it keeps me busy. When I get home at the end of the day it is the only thing I think about. I can't get away from it. It is everywhere, couples dating on screen, seeing couples out in the world, beautiful Catholic women surround me in almost everything I do.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried everything. I've exhausted discerning single life, I have joined Catholic Dating websites, I've tried cutting myself off from the world. Nothing works, nothing can get this out of my head. I just want to find answers, I need a source of hope. I feel so alone.

Ranting, Whining, Praying

I need a vacation...bad. Today was a long day, spent mostly working on the electrical for a warmer in the kitchen but also trying to get an outlet replaced...which was in conjunction with the warmer that wasn't working. I also had to deal with my parking spot being taken, and nothing being done about it. I know that one sounds like I am whining, but it was frustrating having to figure out where to park then moving my car again while I was in the middle of a project because I had parked in a coworker. And I step down from my soap box...that was just a dump of the days activities.

I don't know what it is but I continue to feel empty and alone. I have had so many people give me words of encouragement in the last few weeks but somehow I find the emptiness in it all again and again.

I want to be open to the single life, I am no longer 50/50 I feel more and more that I will be single. I look at it as a burden rather than a vocation. I want to be open to it, but at the same time I feel something is missing. I want to be loved in a way that no friend can love. There is an intimacy that husband and wife can speak through their actions to each other, knowing what the other is feeling at the bat of an eyelash. I want that, I want to give my all to a woman, shower her with gifts and spoil her like a queen.

But I don't know if that is what I am called to. Time and time again I return to the same argument in my head. There are benefits and drawbacks to either vocation...and I still have no firm answer on which one would suit my life most completely. I want to love, but I am tired of being hurt; there is a safety to the single life.

Burnout

I think I have finally reached burnout.

I am working roughly 60 hour weeks, I haven't had a day off in over a year. I am called into work on the weekend...on a regular basis. I complete most of my tasks with 5 minutes to spare because I wait on others who don't turn in their portions of a project until the last possible second. My list of projects grows faster than I can cross items off the list...

When people ask how I am doing, I am quick to answer, "Fine" or "I'm doing ok". I'm not i'm burned out. I enjoy the fast pace of my job and the ability to do something different every day, but it is taxing. Can I keep up with this mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually?

I have lost hope spiritually. I used to be so happy, I was excited to take on new challenges. Now, I don't know my purpose. I was into the whole discernment idea, "you just have to give it time", but I want to live my life. I have made almost no progress...and when I think I am making progress, it blows up in my face.

I wonder if I have found my "security blanket" in this job and that I am afraid to grow up. I thought this was a blessing; a job in a horrible economy, serving my church and giving me time to reflect on life. Well, I'm not so sure any more; and I really don't know what to do.

Let Me Out - Future Leaders of the World

Lost in the Darkness, No Shoulder to Cry On

I am really starting to wonder about this online dating stuff. I had been talking to this girl online for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly and so I asked her if she would like to meet up for dinner. I felt like this was a logical step and that I wasn't rushing anything too quickly. I was met with this:

"Perhaps, just as friends. When I signed up on CM, I was really hurt from my last relationship and I don't know what exactly I was looking for. Now that I've had some more time to myself, I've realized that time is exactly what I need. I want to be by myself for a while, and fill my life with better people. If you're okay with that, then sure!"

Now correct me if I am wrong but I thought the whole point of being on a dating website was that you were interested in dating. Apparently I am severely mistaken.

I am at a loss for words right now. I have no idea what God wants of me. I've tried being patient I want to give it all to Him but I can't do this much longer. It hurts. I don't feel like I have the shoulder to lean on that I used to have. I have acquaintances at Purdue and St. Tom's, but not really anyone I feel I can bare my soul to.I don't have a best friend anymore...they have all "grown up" gotten married, traveled the world, or joined religious orders. I feel like I have allowed myself to be left behind.

I know the work I am doing is fruitful. I know that I put in a hard days work and others see the good that I do. But I don't know if I get anything out of it. I don't have time for myself, and if I do it is tucked into the 3-4 hour window between getting home from work and going to sleep.

I need a vacation. I want a girlfriend. I need a community that understands me. I want a shoulder to lean on. I need a light in the darkness. I want my faith and prayer life back.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I just don't understand what's happened to me. I can't shake last year, I've lost my sense of joy and I feel alone. I used to pray everyday for guidance in God's will. I still have no clue what I am supposed to do with my life. I'm losing hope, drive and faith. I don't enjoy doing a lot of the things I used to, I feel lost. I don't know who to turn to. In college I had friends who called me out when they saw me down, I don't have that same community to turn to. I still have my faith, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't enjoy Mass; seeing it more as a chore than a blessed sacrament. Help me Lord.

What is it with this empty life?

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I am not happy like I used to be. I have always been pretty easy going, not letting much get to me. If something was up I internalized it and put on a happy face...it is getting harder and harder to put on that happy face. I don't know what it is, I chalked it up to a bad 2012...which overall didn't go all that well for me: I found a girl online, we dated for a month, she decided she wasn't ready to date yet. My cousin passed away. I was friendzoned by a girl that was practically my girlfriend. I was in two weddings over the summer, caught the garter at both, asked a girl out from one of the weddings but never heard back. The girl from online wanted to try again, we made it official Bf/Gf, but a week later she broke it off cause she didn't see it going anywhere. I was friendzoned again by another girl. At the beginning of the new year I told myself that that was 2012...2013 was going to be better. It hasn't gotten any better. I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet, but I feel worse. I struggle to find happiness in anything that I do. I don't really enjoy going to Mass anymore...even debated about going to Wednesday night Mass last night seeing it more as a chore than a sacrament, I went anyway. I can't put into words the emptiness I feel inside, I can't find anything to fill it. I feel like I get up everyday, go to work to pay the bills, come home and find something to do to entertain myself until I go to bed...then get up the next day and do it all over again. Who have I become, what can where can I find peace, when will I fill this void, where do I turn, why me, how can I find comfort when nothing seems to work?

The Void

It comes in waves...I feel great one day, but down in the dumps the next. I can't shake it. I struggle to find my place. I love what I do, but I often feel as if something is missing...I can't put my finger on it. It saddens me but I can't shake it. I've tried several different avenues to fill the emptiness: hanging out with friends, bike rides, history documentaries, prayer, retreats, reading. I can't get this monkey off my back or fill the pit inside. Why won't the hurting stop?