Fear and Loneliness...

I have been putting this off...almost every day for a week I have been thinking about writing a post. I use this blog to kind of de-stress and let everything off my chest. Well, I have waited long enough.

I feel so alone, so lost. I can't say I have a direction for my life. I don't even know what I want. Some days I feel like it would be nice to have a significant other...someone I could talk to and let it all out to, I am not talking venting or letting off steam to co-workers. Someone I can truly open my soul to...tell the things I keep tucked away inside.

But other days I stop myself...I want a wife...but am I willing to give up the freedom that single-hood allows. There is a lot of time and effort that needs to go into a relationship...am I willing to do that. In some ways this is why my last real relationship failed. I am not a talk on the phone every night type of person, I like to talk face to face...when that isn't possible, I rarely make the effort. I've tried to get better at it...made attempts. But in the end I am pushing away some of my closest friends because I don't make that effort. I am balancing on a very thin beam. I talk with friends occasionally...but probably not enough anymore to constitute a true friendship.

Do I really have friends...or just acquaintances? If they are all just acquaintances...it isn't their fault, or for lack of trying. I have shut others out...trying to deal with me by myself. I think blaming my ex was a coping mechanism...I'm not saying I wasn't at fault for the break-up, I think we both had our issues. But I think it really scarred me, maybe even changed me. Good came from it...I think? I firmly believe that I did a lot of discerning in that first year...but then it went stale. I tell myself I am discerning...really I think I am just trying to fight through life and find my place in it...discerning, but recklessly...not in the way one should go about it. But with the good, also came the parts that screwed me up...that changed me...

At the point in my life where I thought I had everything figured out and planned out...dating a girl for three years, graduating, ready to start thinking about how I would propose...I fell off the bridge. All of a sudden I was a college graduate applying to McDonald's, no hopes of a job...single...alone and lost.

So where do I go from here? I don't know...if I did...I probably wouldn't be writing this post. I have no idea what to do, or who to reach out to. I am alone in this with a heavy fog lying in front of me. I am scared...