"It was all just a Dream..."

I couldn't stop thinking about you last night. You were the main theme in my dreams last night. But was it all just in my head or did God put you there? Last night it seemed like you were interested, but was that what my mind wanted me to think. I got all excited about writing a post this morning, but now I'm not so sure.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Lost and abandoned...

I feel so alone. I want to share my feelings with someone, but there is no one that I feel comfortable to have that type of conversation with. I look back and realize where I screwed up, I know what I did wrong and I have learned from my mistakes. I want to move forward, but I struggle with how I can do so. I want to see a peace in my life where I have been restless for over a year now.

Why must I struggle here, why must I feel this pain? How can I change my situation and allow my self to find comfort in my life?

what I want and what I need...

Why is it that all the girls I am interested in are either 5 years younger than me, are uncomfortable that I work at the church or both? I keep waving back and forth on this single life thing. In some ways it would make life easier and I think I would enjoy serving the Church in that capacity. I even joke that I am going to be Mary Stiller when I grow up. But I continue to feel empty inside like some thing is missing. I want someone to hold, someone to care for. But, whether I want and what I need are up to Him and not mine to decide.

Lord, give me patience and take the hurt away.

Fair...?

Today I found a coworker laying down on the couch watching TV. How is this ok? I know several coworkers who work their butts off but are constantly checked to make sure they are contributing and that they are completing their jobs. This coworker is able to slip through the cracks and is paid for what?

It also makes me mad in reference to myself, I work under three job titles and only make a bit over minimum wage with a college degree. Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't appreciate my job. I LOVE my job!!! I understand hard times and am willing to put in the extra effort for no more compensation. What I don't understand is how someone can get twice/three times what I make for laying on the couch watching TV during work hours, coming in at noon and leaving at 4pm, and not being around as a reference to the rest of the staff during work hours.

How can this be fair?

Realizations...

I received an e-mail this evening from a good friend and old roommate. Part of the e-mail struck me and got me thinking.

"“There are two kinds of love, one is the selfish kind which seeks to change people, and then there is love that changes people who love.” I hope and pray that in all things we engage in this second love, allowing God to become truly present in our daily lives making us even greater people."

I pray that I realize this second kind of love in my daily life. I have been focusing on what I want, when I should be focusing on loving others and focusing on their needs so that they can be at ease in their lives.

For patience, will, peace...

An Empty Cup...

I fluctuate back and forth between happiness and a slight depressed state. I know what I want in my life. I pray for patience, for acceptance of his will and for peace that I am where I should be and in my search for vocation.

I struggle that while I find happiness in the single life and at times I feel I could live out that ministry, I have also heard that your vocation will bring you immense happiness. How could that be my calling when I feel so alone and long for someone to hold and hold me. I am empty, Lord fill my cup.

The Emptiness Within...

The Lord puts each of us on this earth for a purpose, to do His will. Each of us will live out that will in a different way; each of us has been given the tools to complete our own task. He has carefully placed each of us so that we fit into His plan.

The one thing I struggle with is why you would feel like you are doing His will, but at the same time feel so lost and alone. Why Lord does it hurt, and when will the emptiness be filled?...

...added note...

Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows this is here, wonder if anyone actually reads my blog. I guess the whole point was to have a place to reflect on life post graduation and what God had in store for me; I believe the blog has done it's job, but I wish others actually read it, and that I had feedback on some of the tougher points so far...sigh...

One of these days I'm gonna see...

Not sure how I feel right now. Today I found a renewed happiness for what I do. I wonder often if I won't live this way the rest of my life. I enjoy it, and it fills a need in the church to make sure that everything is as it should be. However, almost everyone I talk to or offer my opinion of my vocation to: tells me that they see me as a father, or that I will find her out there somewhere.
One day I will understand the struggle I face today; but I do not see that day coming anytime soon...

Peace be with You

Well, life is good... I'm excited that I get to stand in two of my good friends weddings as a groomsman.
I think for the first time in a long while, I am happy with where I am. I enjoy working where I do, I realize I am blessed to be at St. Tom's. And I think I am happy with where God has me right now, I have accepted that His will be done and there really isn't anything I can do to change His mind. He will put me where he needs me and where I will be happiest to live out my life, where that is is still a mystery to me, but all in good time. I am at peace with it for now, His will be done.

Stuck in Neutral, Destination Unknown.

Lord, be patient with me as I struggle to trust that you will guide me to your will. Help me to see that you are providing for every step I take, help me to understand that I walk in your footprints Lord. I struggle daily to fight the forces that pull me from the path, allowing them to win does not fill the emptiness inside. Lord, show me where I will find your true happiness. Show me that your happiness will come upon me in time and that I need to continue to wait to see how it will manifest in my life.

Lord, I may not always make the right choices but you continue to love me and provide for me. Help me to always take note of this as I point my life toward you and allow you to consume me for your will.

Trusting He's got me on the right road.

Dream, Become Reality...

Lord you tempt me. I want to live your will, but I struggle. I think I know what I want but I struggle with what you want for me. I think it would be great to move forward, but I hesitate because I don't know what reactions might be. I want to keep her best interest in mind, but sometimes I wonder if I could make her life better/easier with my presence. Maybe I wish to much and need to move onward and upward, but it hurts not knowing if a dream could be reality.

Wanting the one I cannot have...

I want to tell her how I feel about her but I can't. I want to okeep her best interest in mind. I have been told that she is overwhelmed right now with school and boys that are interested in her. I want to be there for her, but I also want to hold her. I want to show her how I feel about her, but would she return that same feeling.

I struggle daily with how I am called to best serve His will. I want to know that I am following His will, but I also want her.

A hole that cannot be filled...

I jump around emotionally having great days, followed by depressing days. I love doing the work but then it starts to accumulate and I get burnt out. I'll get really excited about all the good I am doing and enjoying, and then I think about what I don't have, what I miss having. How can I find happiness in living a single life? Am I called to the single life? I don't know what the feeling is (hard to explain) but I know (at least at the current moment) that my life is not being called to serve others as a Roman Catholic Priest. My wants point toward spending the rest of my life with a beautiful gift from God, a woman to hold and share life with. As I move through the days and weeks I see no hint that this will happen anytime soon, if even. I feel the urge to date grow stronger every day, but everywhere I turn I see single life as the open option providing for myself and serving the church.

I enjoy my job, where I am able to provide for myself and serve my Church, furthering the mission of St. Tom's for the Boiler Catholics. But, I do not find happiness in my life at this point. I am missing something, I have a hole that I cannot fill.

Struggles in Vocation

So this seems to be the general theme of my blog recently. I don't know what it is but it seems to be the only thing on my mind as of late. Some may say this is a good thing, and it is, I am actually discerning a vocation instead of saying well most people get married so I will too. But I am constantly thinking about it, and I feel like I have hit a rut and I can't climb out of it. I have hit a point where I am focused on one vocation...honestly the hardest one to attain at the moment, I don't know if I am not being fair to the other two, but I hold on to a want that I sometimes feel is a need, a need for companionship. The struggle though is finding that companionship.

I will move on from that point for the moment. Another thing I am struggling with now is something a buddy of mine brought up and threw in my face last night...(and I am actually really glad he did so). I have a huge problem with keeping in touch with friends of mine who are not in my general vicinity, even with some of my closest friends. I need to really work harder on this...or I am going to lose a lot of friends...some I fear I already have.

The last point I will make tonight is about my job. I LOVE my job and the opportunities it affords me. The problem is, do I see myself here in three years...can I continue to support myself on this job in the future? Will I just move into teaching when I have become obsolete at St. Tom's, or should I take on Grad School and work on a Campus Ministry Masters Degree (thus effectively ending my teaching career before it starts).

I really need to actually work on getting a Spiritual Director...instead of just saying it would be a good idea. It would be a great idea for the situation I am in and the pressures I am putting on myself. I need help and someone to talk through all of this with. Lord give me strength to find you in all of this, help me to have the patience to wait for your will to be done in me. I may not wish to wait on your will but you provide me with friends to remind me that you will provide in your time not mine. THANK YOU! AMEN.

Patience is the Virtue which I Lack

I feel lost with no direction. I don't know exactly how to explain it but I can say that I don't remember feeling like this ever before until I graduated. I feel alone and worthless, like the world would move forward without me. I want to feel loved, but I'm not sure where to find that. Sometimes I feel like I have over stayed my welcome here at Purdue. I love the ministry but I am at a dead end. I feel like the dating well has dried up for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have listened to others and gotten out of that relationship earlier. It wasn't doing me any good to fight for it, and now I have passed any point of normality in my relationships. I want to scream, but at the same time just sit in the corner and cry. I WANT someone to love who will love me back. But I know I can't dwell in that. It is not my will but His that must be followed, and I am getting too "old" to find that love here in my current situation.

Lord, lift this burden from my shoulders. Help me to find comfort and to feel loved. Help me to know that am not alone and show me how to find what I am missing. Give me strength Lord and help me to find the purpose in vocations that you are calling me to. Help me to find the Patience to wait for what you have planned for me, for it seems so fat away...

At a loss for words

Slight mental exhaustion/breakdown last night. I don't really know where I should be going in life. I know where I am now and that this is where I am supposed to be, for the time being anyway. Can i support myself with this job for the rest of my life? Will i teach someday? Am I called to Campus Ministry? Do I look at Grad schools? What should I be doing to advance my life so that I don't get left behind the times in a job market where jobs are extremely hard to find?

I also find patience harder and harder to come by. I want a relationship. There are three or four girls that I would love to date, but I feel uncomfortable about it given my position. I would love to move forward but it feels like everything is holding me back. Will I find Her? Am I called to marry? Would I better serve God's church in a different vocation?

I know what I want, but I don't know what I want; I ask that God's will be done, but am I ready to accept it?

Prayer

Lord, give me the patience to give you all of me. Help me to submit to you with my all. Help me to get through the daily struggles to find happiness in you. Allow my focus to stay on you, no matter what beauty may distract or what demons may tempt me.

I'm Calling all you Angels

I continue to struggle with this, to let go and let God. I know I need to stop and let life happen, not worrying about what will happen next. God has his plan and it will unfold if we let it, but we have to have patience. A good friend told me that you can't force it, if something is meant to be it will happen.
I still struggle though with the waiting. I want to know how I will serve Him in my life through my life's vocation. But it is not about what I want. He will provide me with what I need. I guess I am just a little scared. I feel like there are a few things that I need to feel happy in my life's vocation. But I need to step back, have the patience, and understand that He will provide for me in the end.
Lord grant me a peace to know that you will give me all that I will ever need. Help me to find something that will fill the hole I feel in my soul.
St. Raphael you led Tobias on a journey to find his wife, guide me and help me to also find my life's vocation.

We are Called...

We are called by God to fulfill the purpose he has set forth for us. Sometimes it is easier to understand God's call for us... this weekend I answered a call from God. I went to a Frassati Conference in the Lafayette Diocese. This time around God's call was blunt. During the Spring Semester 2011 I went on a retreat called Boiler Awakening...while there I received an affirmation (a phrase that the retreat staff came up with that described my faith and how I live it). My affirmation..."Live out Loud"...the name of the Frassati Conference..."Live out Loud"!!

The main focus of the conference was to present to us Young Adult Catholics ways in which we can live our faith out loud in a world that calls us to conform and accept new ideas that go against our faith just because they are becoming a new norm or a new idea.

This weekend challenged me on multiple levels. How can I live out my faith, should I be blatantly Catholic...am I already? Does this mean something different for someone who works for a Catholic Church...I should already be living Catholic. What can I do to truly live the word's of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times, use words when necessary." What can I do to live out my faith intentionally not only to live as an example to others but to strengthen my faith life as well?

The reoccurring theme for me though, continues to be discernment. I am no closer to figuring out what God is calling me to as a vocation, but I did pick up a few tools on how to discern a call and a deeper understanding of the vocation of Single life. I know what I want and what I feel would make me most happy. But, does this match up with what He wants for me and what He is calling me to do.

Single life would allow me to use my gifts to serve without needing to be able to provide for others...I could offer myself 100% to my ministry and not worry about devoting my time elsewhere. However, this leaves me feeling empty with a longing for another to love and live for. The Married life would allow me to serve with both my talents and as a husband drawing a woman closer to Christ as she draws me closer to Him. The Priesthood or religious live would allow me to fill that void in a different way, with Him and with community. I feel that this may hinder me slightly in using my talents to their fullest extent...not many priests run a website...create the bulletin...or do the maintenance work around the church. I feel that these are the tools I have been given to serve Him and I have a desire to serve Him with my talents even though I could possibly make more money elsewhere. This is my dilemma, a strong pull toward the married life...and the struggle to discern whether or not what I want is what He wants.

It's kinda a Funny Story

I just finished the movie "It's kinda a Funny Story". It made me realize how lucky I am. I am often asked why I always seem so happy.
I realize that not everything always goes my way, and I wish some things happened differently. But I am overall happy with my life, and that is why I always seem so happy. I try to stay positive and that exudes because of it...

Home

Vacation is a restful time that is spent away from one's normal schedule and meant to allow one to reflect on life and what they are missing while focused on their daily routine. I had the chance to take a much needed vacation last week. I spent the majority of the week up at Wood Lake Scout Reservation. I miss it so much. I worked on the waterfront from '03-'07. In some ways it felt as if I had never left. Granted much of the staff is different, but a few of the old staff remains, the guys who were there when I was on staff. I say that in many ways it is still the same because, the same spirit, though embodied in a new staff, still lives alive and well "nestled in the trees".

It felt good too that every few hours I would run into someone else that I had met in the past who: "had me as a swimming mb counselor", "remembered me from Webelos resident camp", or that felt better knowing that I was once again patroling the waterfront at Camp Tamarack.

I miss that place so much, it has become a home for me. I grew up among the trees of Wood Lake Scout Reservation, and I credit it with making me the man I am today. I love it because of the great spirit that lives in the staff, and the peace that falls in those woods. It gave me a chance to reflect on my life. What have I done and accomplished? I found at camp this last week that I have made an imprint on WLSR and the people who come there. I have developed into somewhat of a legend there, not trying to get a big head, but I have made a difference there. I only hope and pray that the same holds true wherever I have worked.

The Vacation has made me think about my current situation. Am I happy where I am, I mean am I truly happy? I wonder if I sometimes trick myself a little. I enjoy my job, and the work I am able to do there. But some things are lacking. I am not able to do some of the things that a teaching position would allow me to do; travel, money to donate and to enjoy, time away from work. And I still continue to come back to one point that I struggle with week after week. I struggle with my vocation, I feel drawn to the married life but I still can't find a girl whom I feel I can date without it being weird or inappropriate. My Vacation has helped me to think more openly about my vocation and where it might be leading me, career wise...

Happy Birthday Church!

Happy Birthday Catholic Church!!! I never really thought of Pentecost like this before. Celebration makes me a bit sad this time of year though. Even though the summer is a time of rest, I feel lonely. There are very few around to hang out with, the LifeGuides are all spending their summers at home. I still struggle with my internal battles. I still have no idea where my life is leading me. I am lost on where God is calling me to use my skills, and where He wants me to serve Him in my vocation. I love my job but I am beginning to wonder if the effort is worth the reward. I don't want to sound greedy but it seems like I have taken on more responsibility only to keep the same pay and have more expected of me. Help me Lord Jesus to understand your will and your call to action. Show me that it is the struggles that make life worth living. The early Church was expected to work past the struggles of persecution and temptation to stray, so must we push forward to find His will for us.

Lent...The Absence of Christ

As we prepare for the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ I ponder Christ's call to his vocation. He was called to the single life, to live as a carpenter and die on a cross. What does God have in mind for me? They say when we make plans for our future God laughs. This time last year I figured I would be teaching and engaged by this point, obviously that didn't happen. What does He will of me?
I feel an emptiness inside one that I feel can only be filled by the love of another, someone to share my life with. The problem is, whenever I feel that I may have found someone to spend that time with my gut says no and holds me back. I struggle to fill the void that is left and to understand why I am where I am. I know that my current job could not support a family but I desire to have my own family...
Christ grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. This Lenten Season I hope to spend time in prayer and reflection, pondering His will for me. That I may find His Divine Plan and be ready to carry it out, whatever it may be.

Snow Anyone?

Has Lafayette never seen snow before? I ran out of milk yesterday so I stopped by Payless on my way home. The parking lot was packed, and there were no carts. There was a cart blocking parking spot in the lot so I lucked out, dodged it and grabbed it for myself. I walked into the store and the shelves were empty, no ground meat existed in the store, no regular bread (payless white or wheat), shelves were bare everywhere. When I went to get a loaf of bread I left my cart unattended and some lady walked off with it. Oh well I guess. I got down to the milk fridges, and its a good thing I drink Vitamin D; Milk shelves were empty except good Ole Vitamin D. I got to the checkouts which were packed but ended up fun, joking with all the people I was standing in line with; among them people who agreed with me that this snow was not all that big of a deal. They ended up opening the customer service registers as a checkout, and those of us with fewer items headed that way.

I made it home after getting what I needed and not hoarding, did not have to steal anything from others, and didn't freak out. All of which made my shopping experience and the Cashier's job a lot easier.

Calm Down Lafayette. It will snow, the roads will turn white, and it will pass.

Venting...emotions...

Horrible at keeping this up to date. Hmmmmmm...I really wish I had someone to lean on. Somebody to share my life with mentally, emotionally... I don't really know what I want. Just wish that this was easier...

It sucks that I am now at what should be the most exciting point of my life, but I an not as excited as I feel I should be. I just wish I had someone there beside me. I did but she left when I needed someone to lean on the most.

Sometimes I wonder what could have been, how I might be better off, what I have missed out on, what I might have missed out on, why I feel this way, what I did wrong, what I should have done differently...