Burnout

I think I have finally reached burnout.

I am working roughly 60 hour weeks, I haven't had a day off in over a year. I am called into work on the weekend...on a regular basis. I complete most of my tasks with 5 minutes to spare because I wait on others who don't turn in their portions of a project until the last possible second. My list of projects grows faster than I can cross items off the list...

When people ask how I am doing, I am quick to answer, "Fine" or "I'm doing ok". I'm not i'm burned out. I enjoy the fast pace of my job and the ability to do something different every day, but it is taxing. Can I keep up with this mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually?

I have lost hope spiritually. I used to be so happy, I was excited to take on new challenges. Now, I don't know my purpose. I was into the whole discernment idea, "you just have to give it time", but I want to live my life. I have made almost no progress...and when I think I am making progress, it blows up in my face.

I wonder if I have found my "security blanket" in this job and that I am afraid to grow up. I thought this was a blessing; a job in a horrible economy, serving my church and giving me time to reflect on life. Well, I'm not so sure any more; and I really don't know what to do.

Let Me Out - Future Leaders of the World

Lost in the Darkness, No Shoulder to Cry On

I am really starting to wonder about this online dating stuff. I had been talking to this girl online for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly and so I asked her if she would like to meet up for dinner. I felt like this was a logical step and that I wasn't rushing anything too quickly. I was met with this:

"Perhaps, just as friends. When I signed up on CM, I was really hurt from my last relationship and I don't know what exactly I was looking for. Now that I've had some more time to myself, I've realized that time is exactly what I need. I want to be by myself for a while, and fill my life with better people. If you're okay with that, then sure!"

Now correct me if I am wrong but I thought the whole point of being on a dating website was that you were interested in dating. Apparently I am severely mistaken.

I am at a loss for words right now. I have no idea what God wants of me. I've tried being patient I want to give it all to Him but I can't do this much longer. It hurts. I don't feel like I have the shoulder to lean on that I used to have. I have acquaintances at Purdue and St. Tom's, but not really anyone I feel I can bare my soul to.I don't have a best friend anymore...they have all "grown up" gotten married, traveled the world, or joined religious orders. I feel like I have allowed myself to be left behind.

I know the work I am doing is fruitful. I know that I put in a hard days work and others see the good that I do. But I don't know if I get anything out of it. I don't have time for myself, and if I do it is tucked into the 3-4 hour window between getting home from work and going to sleep.

I need a vacation. I want a girlfriend. I need a community that understands me. I want a shoulder to lean on. I need a light in the darkness. I want my faith and prayer life back.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I just don't understand what's happened to me. I can't shake last year, I've lost my sense of joy and I feel alone. I used to pray everyday for guidance in God's will. I still have no clue what I am supposed to do with my life. I'm losing hope, drive and faith. I don't enjoy doing a lot of the things I used to, I feel lost. I don't know who to turn to. In college I had friends who called me out when they saw me down, I don't have that same community to turn to. I still have my faith, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't enjoy Mass; seeing it more as a chore than a blessed sacrament. Help me Lord.

What is it with this empty life?

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I am not happy like I used to be. I have always been pretty easy going, not letting much get to me. If something was up I internalized it and put on a happy face...it is getting harder and harder to put on that happy face. I don't know what it is, I chalked it up to a bad 2012...which overall didn't go all that well for me: I found a girl online, we dated for a month, she decided she wasn't ready to date yet. My cousin passed away. I was friendzoned by a girl that was practically my girlfriend. I was in two weddings over the summer, caught the garter at both, asked a girl out from one of the weddings but never heard back. The girl from online wanted to try again, we made it official Bf/Gf, but a week later she broke it off cause she didn't see it going anywhere. I was friendzoned again by another girl. At the beginning of the new year I told myself that that was 2012...2013 was going to be better. It hasn't gotten any better. I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet, but I feel worse. I struggle to find happiness in anything that I do. I don't really enjoy going to Mass anymore...even debated about going to Wednesday night Mass last night seeing it more as a chore than a sacrament, I went anyway. I can't put into words the emptiness I feel inside, I can't find anything to fill it. I feel like I get up everyday, go to work to pay the bills, come home and find something to do to entertain myself until I go to bed...then get up the next day and do it all over again. Who have I become, what can where can I find peace, when will I fill this void, where do I turn, why me, how can I find comfort when nothing seems to work?

The Void

It comes in waves...I feel great one day, but down in the dumps the next. I can't shake it. I struggle to find my place. I love what I do, but I often feel as if something is missing...I can't put my finger on it. It saddens me but I can't shake it. I've tried several different avenues to fill the emptiness: hanging out with friends, bike rides, history documentaries, prayer, retreats, reading. I can't get this monkey off my back or fill the pit inside. Why won't the hurting stop?

Just Friends?

I'm not sure whether to pursue or step back and stay neutral. I have recently rekindled an interest in one of my good friends...but she is just that right now...a good friend. I don't want to do anything that might jeprodize that friendship. I also...taking advice given to me by this very girl in the past...need to know one way or the other to help me move on, or if everything worked out expressed a mutual feeling. I hesitate to move forward because I care about her...does she need the friend, or would it be ok to be the boyfriend. If she doesn't reciprocate the feelings...have I destroyed any friendship bond for the future? God grant me patience and to be exact in my wording that I may follow your vocation laid out for me.

Thine Will Be Done...

How does one discern the Single Life? Of this I am bewildered. I don't know whether to press on, or give up. I want to give my life in service...but is this a call to live free from outside distractions or a call to love a spouse first and serve my Church second? I cannot give a straight answer, nor can I get one. Where in a Church that preaches three vocations does one find the information for the out of the ordinary choice? I have asked, but I have been met with silence and uncertainty. Where do I turn for the answer?

Part of me feels the call to live my life in service to the Church, the other part feels alone. Alone and longing for a relationship where I can be the ear to listen, but also have an ear to listen...a shoulder to cry on. Is this in the cards for me, what does God want from me.

At the beginning of the summer I was gung-ho about the whole discernment thing. The answer would come...I just needed to be patient; well I am getting tired of waiting...I am drained. Why do I feel so alone when I am surrounded by a community filled with love and friendship? Is this the community where I belong? I love my job and the service I am able to provide...but what do I receive in return, what spiritual refreshment do I draw from. I need someone to challenge me, but also someone who will listen when I can't hold it in any longer. Time and time again I think I have found someone to fill that hole inside...but I am promptly let down by disinterest. Where do I go to find the one who will compliment and complete me...is there such a person?...am I looking in all the wrong places?

Sometimes I wonder if the failure lies with me. Do I need to just grow a pair and go for it? But do I risk the friendships I have...is it possible to care too much for the other person to worry that letting them know my true feelings will further burden them with a choice? Why must I live in solitude and simply imagine what could be? Lord take this burden from me, I want a woman to shower with affection...to live as a princess...to wait on and show my full devotion to. I want someone to love and care about, that I can make feel special for just being themselves.

Help me Lord, for I do not know thy will for me. I wish to serve thee with my life, I wish to lose this emptiness and fear to gain true love and devotion to my vocation.