Thine Will Be Done...

How does one discern the Single Life? Of this I am bewildered. I don't know whether to press on, or give up. I want to give my life in service...but is this a call to live free from outside distractions or a call to love a spouse first and serve my Church second? I cannot give a straight answer, nor can I get one. Where in a Church that preaches three vocations does one find the information for the out of the ordinary choice? I have asked, but I have been met with silence and uncertainty. Where do I turn for the answer?

Part of me feels the call to live my life in service to the Church, the other part feels alone. Alone and longing for a relationship where I can be the ear to listen, but also have an ear to listen...a shoulder to cry on. Is this in the cards for me, what does God want from me.

At the beginning of the summer I was gung-ho about the whole discernment thing. The answer would come...I just needed to be patient; well I am getting tired of waiting...I am drained. Why do I feel so alone when I am surrounded by a community filled with love and friendship? Is this the community where I belong? I love my job and the service I am able to provide...but what do I receive in return, what spiritual refreshment do I draw from. I need someone to challenge me, but also someone who will listen when I can't hold it in any longer. Time and time again I think I have found someone to fill that hole inside...but I am promptly let down by disinterest. Where do I go to find the one who will compliment and complete me...is there such a person?...am I looking in all the wrong places?

Sometimes I wonder if the failure lies with me. Do I need to just grow a pair and go for it? But do I risk the friendships I have...is it possible to care too much for the other person to worry that letting them know my true feelings will further burden them with a choice? Why must I live in solitude and simply imagine what could be? Lord take this burden from me, I want a woman to shower with affection...to live as a princess...to wait on and show my full devotion to. I want someone to love and care about, that I can make feel special for just being themselves.

Help me Lord, for I do not know thy will for me. I wish to serve thee with my life, I wish to lose this emptiness and fear to gain true love and devotion to my vocation.