Stuck in Neutral, Destination Unknown.

Lord, be patient with me as I struggle to trust that you will guide me to your will. Help me to see that you are providing for every step I take, help me to understand that I walk in your footprints Lord. I struggle daily to fight the forces that pull me from the path, allowing them to win does not fill the emptiness inside. Lord, show me where I will find your true happiness. Show me that your happiness will come upon me in time and that I need to continue to wait to see how it will manifest in my life.

Lord, I may not always make the right choices but you continue to love me and provide for me. Help me to always take note of this as I point my life toward you and allow you to consume me for your will.

Trusting He's got me on the right road.

Dream, Become Reality...

Lord you tempt me. I want to live your will, but I struggle. I think I know what I want but I struggle with what you want for me. I think it would be great to move forward, but I hesitate because I don't know what reactions might be. I want to keep her best interest in mind, but sometimes I wonder if I could make her life better/easier with my presence. Maybe I wish to much and need to move onward and upward, but it hurts not knowing if a dream could be reality.

Wanting the one I cannot have...

I want to tell her how I feel about her but I can't. I want to okeep her best interest in mind. I have been told that she is overwhelmed right now with school and boys that are interested in her. I want to be there for her, but I also want to hold her. I want to show her how I feel about her, but would she return that same feeling.

I struggle daily with how I am called to best serve His will. I want to know that I am following His will, but I also want her.

A hole that cannot be filled...

I jump around emotionally having great days, followed by depressing days. I love doing the work but then it starts to accumulate and I get burnt out. I'll get really excited about all the good I am doing and enjoying, and then I think about what I don't have, what I miss having. How can I find happiness in living a single life? Am I called to the single life? I don't know what the feeling is (hard to explain) but I know (at least at the current moment) that my life is not being called to serve others as a Roman Catholic Priest. My wants point toward spending the rest of my life with a beautiful gift from God, a woman to hold and share life with. As I move through the days and weeks I see no hint that this will happen anytime soon, if even. I feel the urge to date grow stronger every day, but everywhere I turn I see single life as the open option providing for myself and serving the church.

I enjoy my job, where I am able to provide for myself and serve my Church, furthering the mission of St. Tom's for the Boiler Catholics. But, I do not find happiness in my life at this point. I am missing something, I have a hole that I cannot fill.

Struggles in Vocation

So this seems to be the general theme of my blog recently. I don't know what it is but it seems to be the only thing on my mind as of late. Some may say this is a good thing, and it is, I am actually discerning a vocation instead of saying well most people get married so I will too. But I am constantly thinking about it, and I feel like I have hit a rut and I can't climb out of it. I have hit a point where I am focused on one vocation...honestly the hardest one to attain at the moment, I don't know if I am not being fair to the other two, but I hold on to a want that I sometimes feel is a need, a need for companionship. The struggle though is finding that companionship.

I will move on from that point for the moment. Another thing I am struggling with now is something a buddy of mine brought up and threw in my face last night...(and I am actually really glad he did so). I have a huge problem with keeping in touch with friends of mine who are not in my general vicinity, even with some of my closest friends. I need to really work harder on this...or I am going to lose a lot of friends...some I fear I already have.

The last point I will make tonight is about my job. I LOVE my job and the opportunities it affords me. The problem is, do I see myself here in three years...can I continue to support myself on this job in the future? Will I just move into teaching when I have become obsolete at St. Tom's, or should I take on Grad School and work on a Campus Ministry Masters Degree (thus effectively ending my teaching career before it starts).

I really need to actually work on getting a Spiritual Director...instead of just saying it would be a good idea. It would be a great idea for the situation I am in and the pressures I am putting on myself. I need help and someone to talk through all of this with. Lord give me strength to find you in all of this, help me to have the patience to wait for your will to be done in me. I may not wish to wait on your will but you provide me with friends to remind me that you will provide in your time not mine. THANK YOU! AMEN.

Patience is the Virtue which I Lack

I feel lost with no direction. I don't know exactly how to explain it but I can say that I don't remember feeling like this ever before until I graduated. I feel alone and worthless, like the world would move forward without me. I want to feel loved, but I'm not sure where to find that. Sometimes I feel like I have over stayed my welcome here at Purdue. I love the ministry but I am at a dead end. I feel like the dating well has dried up for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have listened to others and gotten out of that relationship earlier. It wasn't doing me any good to fight for it, and now I have passed any point of normality in my relationships. I want to scream, but at the same time just sit in the corner and cry. I WANT someone to love who will love me back. But I know I can't dwell in that. It is not my will but His that must be followed, and I am getting too "old" to find that love here in my current situation.

Lord, lift this burden from my shoulders. Help me to find comfort and to feel loved. Help me to know that am not alone and show me how to find what I am missing. Give me strength Lord and help me to find the purpose in vocations that you are calling me to. Help me to find the Patience to wait for what you have planned for me, for it seems so fat away...