At a loss for words

Slight mental exhaustion/breakdown last night. I don't really know where I should be going in life. I know where I am now and that this is where I am supposed to be, for the time being anyway. Can i support myself with this job for the rest of my life? Will i teach someday? Am I called to Campus Ministry? Do I look at Grad schools? What should I be doing to advance my life so that I don't get left behind the times in a job market where jobs are extremely hard to find?

I also find patience harder and harder to come by. I want a relationship. There are three or four girls that I would love to date, but I feel uncomfortable about it given my position. I would love to move forward but it feels like everything is holding me back. Will I find Her? Am I called to marry? Would I better serve God's church in a different vocation?

I know what I want, but I don't know what I want; I ask that God's will be done, but am I ready to accept it?

Prayer

Lord, give me the patience to give you all of me. Help me to submit to you with my all. Help me to get through the daily struggles to find happiness in you. Allow my focus to stay on you, no matter what beauty may distract or what demons may tempt me.

I'm Calling all you Angels

I continue to struggle with this, to let go and let God. I know I need to stop and let life happen, not worrying about what will happen next. God has his plan and it will unfold if we let it, but we have to have patience. A good friend told me that you can't force it, if something is meant to be it will happen.
I still struggle though with the waiting. I want to know how I will serve Him in my life through my life's vocation. But it is not about what I want. He will provide me with what I need. I guess I am just a little scared. I feel like there are a few things that I need to feel happy in my life's vocation. But I need to step back, have the patience, and understand that He will provide for me in the end.
Lord grant me a peace to know that you will give me all that I will ever need. Help me to find something that will fill the hole I feel in my soul.
St. Raphael you led Tobias on a journey to find his wife, guide me and help me to also find my life's vocation.

We are Called...

We are called by God to fulfill the purpose he has set forth for us. Sometimes it is easier to understand God's call for us... this weekend I answered a call from God. I went to a Frassati Conference in the Lafayette Diocese. This time around God's call was blunt. During the Spring Semester 2011 I went on a retreat called Boiler Awakening...while there I received an affirmation (a phrase that the retreat staff came up with that described my faith and how I live it). My affirmation..."Live out Loud"...the name of the Frassati Conference..."Live out Loud"!!

The main focus of the conference was to present to us Young Adult Catholics ways in which we can live our faith out loud in a world that calls us to conform and accept new ideas that go against our faith just because they are becoming a new norm or a new idea.

This weekend challenged me on multiple levels. How can I live out my faith, should I be blatantly Catholic...am I already? Does this mean something different for someone who works for a Catholic Church...I should already be living Catholic. What can I do to truly live the word's of St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times, use words when necessary." What can I do to live out my faith intentionally not only to live as an example to others but to strengthen my faith life as well?

The reoccurring theme for me though, continues to be discernment. I am no closer to figuring out what God is calling me to as a vocation, but I did pick up a few tools on how to discern a call and a deeper understanding of the vocation of Single life. I know what I want and what I feel would make me most happy. But, does this match up with what He wants for me and what He is calling me to do.

Single life would allow me to use my gifts to serve without needing to be able to provide for others...I could offer myself 100% to my ministry and not worry about devoting my time elsewhere. However, this leaves me feeling empty with a longing for another to love and live for. The Married life would allow me to serve with both my talents and as a husband drawing a woman closer to Christ as she draws me closer to Him. The Priesthood or religious live would allow me to fill that void in a different way, with Him and with community. I feel that this may hinder me slightly in using my talents to their fullest extent...not many priests run a website...create the bulletin...or do the maintenance work around the church. I feel that these are the tools I have been given to serve Him and I have a desire to serve Him with my talents even though I could possibly make more money elsewhere. This is my dilemma, a strong pull toward the married life...and the struggle to discern whether or not what I want is what He wants.

It's kinda a Funny Story

I just finished the movie "It's kinda a Funny Story". It made me realize how lucky I am. I am often asked why I always seem so happy.
I realize that not everything always goes my way, and I wish some things happened differently. But I am overall happy with my life, and that is why I always seem so happy. I try to stay positive and that exudes because of it...

Home

Vacation is a restful time that is spent away from one's normal schedule and meant to allow one to reflect on life and what they are missing while focused on their daily routine. I had the chance to take a much needed vacation last week. I spent the majority of the week up at Wood Lake Scout Reservation. I miss it so much. I worked on the waterfront from '03-'07. In some ways it felt as if I had never left. Granted much of the staff is different, but a few of the old staff remains, the guys who were there when I was on staff. I say that in many ways it is still the same because, the same spirit, though embodied in a new staff, still lives alive and well "nestled in the trees".

It felt good too that every few hours I would run into someone else that I had met in the past who: "had me as a swimming mb counselor", "remembered me from Webelos resident camp", or that felt better knowing that I was once again patroling the waterfront at Camp Tamarack.

I miss that place so much, it has become a home for me. I grew up among the trees of Wood Lake Scout Reservation, and I credit it with making me the man I am today. I love it because of the great spirit that lives in the staff, and the peace that falls in those woods. It gave me a chance to reflect on my life. What have I done and accomplished? I found at camp this last week that I have made an imprint on WLSR and the people who come there. I have developed into somewhat of a legend there, not trying to get a big head, but I have made a difference there. I only hope and pray that the same holds true wherever I have worked.

The Vacation has made me think about my current situation. Am I happy where I am, I mean am I truly happy? I wonder if I sometimes trick myself a little. I enjoy my job, and the work I am able to do there. But some things are lacking. I am not able to do some of the things that a teaching position would allow me to do; travel, money to donate and to enjoy, time away from work. And I still continue to come back to one point that I struggle with week after week. I struggle with my vocation, I feel drawn to the married life but I still can't find a girl whom I feel I can date without it being weird or inappropriate. My Vacation has helped me to think more openly about my vocation and where it might be leading me, career wise...

Happy Birthday Church!

Happy Birthday Catholic Church!!! I never really thought of Pentecost like this before. Celebration makes me a bit sad this time of year though. Even though the summer is a time of rest, I feel lonely. There are very few around to hang out with, the LifeGuides are all spending their summers at home. I still struggle with my internal battles. I still have no idea where my life is leading me. I am lost on where God is calling me to use my skills, and where He wants me to serve Him in my vocation. I love my job but I am beginning to wonder if the effort is worth the reward. I don't want to sound greedy but it seems like I have taken on more responsibility only to keep the same pay and have more expected of me. Help me Lord Jesus to understand your will and your call to action. Show me that it is the struggles that make life worth living. The early Church was expected to work past the struggles of persecution and temptation to stray, so must we push forward to find His will for us.