The Man I want to be...

I was posed the question tonight...what kind of man do you want to be. Thank God it was a rhetorical question...I didn't have an answer. What kind do I want to be? I've never really thought about it before...I guess you don't just become a man...you have to work for it. Laziness gets you nowhere.

I want to be honest, caring, handy, goofy, loving, open. I want to make enough to get by...but a few perks would be nice. I want to be able to enjoy my hobbies...and share them with others. I want to be God-fearing yet God-centered. I want to be able to guide others toward a life following Jesus Christ. I want to be hard-working, energetic, kind.

I am succeeding in some areas, but failing in others. Lord, help me to be the man I want to be...but first help me to be the man You want me to be.

Am I trapped or stubborn?

Am I afraid to grow up? I feel like I am being left behind. My friends have all gotten married or moved on. I am still at college. I want a relationship so bad, but I am cutoff from any chance of one. I am surrounded by beautiful, single, Catholic women...and I can't do anything about it.

Our culture puts marriage and relationships at the center of everything. It is flashed everywhere...it's hard to avoid them. Every time I see them I want a relationship even more.

Am I truly happy where I am...or am I just putting on a mask to pretend. Am I trapped, or just afraid of taking a leap. This probably isn't healthy. I put on a happy face when I go to work...but spend the evening sitting in front of my TV trying to figure out who I am, where I am going, and self-loathing. I need out. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live a normal life. I want to move forward but I don't want to make the effort. I make excuses for why it is impossible for me to move forward. I need someone to talk to, who will actually care enough to make me answer the tough questions and think about my life on a deeper level.

Retreat...

Retreat (spiritual), a religious or spiritual term for time taken to reflect or meditate;
Retreat (military), a withdrawal of military forces

So this weekend I tried my hardest to get out of town by 5pm for two nights of camping, in the woods away from civilization...let's just say I am still working on perfecting that art. I ended up leaving around 5:30-5:45...so not that bad. On the way down I decided to shut off my phone so I would be disconnected from the outside world.

I got down to Shades State Park and set up camp, pitched my tent...a new one I won in a silent auction, I wanted to try it out...and made supper on a little stove I made from pop cans. By this time it was approaching sunset. I grabbed my backpack and made my way down one of the trails for a bit...and just sat there on a rock listening to the stream trickle below...in the approaching darkness. After about 20 mins I couldn't handle the silence anymore and figured it was time to head back to camp before it got too dark.

I attempted a fire so that I could read outside before bed...didn't think ahead and really didn't have the firewood to do it. So I turned in and read a short section by lantern light. Ironically the place in the book ("Wild at Heart") I was at, was entitled "Healing the Wound". After finishing the section...about 5 pages...I decided that was it for the night and tried to fall asleep. It took a while but I finally got comfortable and fell asleep...and actually got a good night's rest.

The next day I woke up...brewed a cup of coffee, and packed up to head out on the trails for the day. I got about an 1/8 of a mile down the trail and I stepped on a root and twisted my ankle. I sat dazed for a bit...but eventually got up to start walking on it. It was sore for the rest of the day but I was able to walk on it fine. I spent the day hiking the trails thinking about life, vocation, youth group...everything that has been weighing down on me the last few weeks. I am not sure that I really got any clarity out of hiking...but I know this...two things kept coming to mind:

       Am I retreating or running away?
       If I love camping and hiking so much, why am I not enjoying this?

I hiked two of the most rugged trails at Shades...rock hopping in both to make my way up the stream bead. It was beautiful!! Simply Amazing...but that feeling only lasted for a short while. Not having someone to turn to and say, "Look at that neat rock formation." or "How did this come to be?", kind of burst the bubble on exciting. They are just rock formations...that I will probably soon forget...not really memories.

I sat down to eat lunch around noon...wheat thins and a summer sausage. I brought a radio with me because I wanted to check in from time to time with the Purdue game to see how we were doing...just after kickoff we had scored a touchdown return, the game was off to a good start so I headed down another trail. As I walked out to the Nature Preserve it hit me harder and harder, it sucked not having someone there with me to share this all with. Why can't I be one of the couples that I passed on the trail. How awesome would it be to camp, spend the day hiking and then return strike up a campfire...cook dinner and just enjoy each other's company in God's land.

My thoughts started to drift to why I had come out to the woods in the first place. Arguably it was a long week...only four days...but I had to make up for lost work time on Monday. I felt the need to get a way...but was I running away from it all? I kind of tried to get out of doing a few things on Friday so that I would be able to leave by 5pm. I felt selfish...I mean that was kind of the point of the weekend...but was I doing it for the wrong reasons? We are called to be humble and self-sacrificing, how was I doing this by leaving on the weekend of a kick-off retreat for the freshmen, a P&W concert, helping out with Germanfest tear-down. How was me leaving and avoiding all of this helping in any way the greater whole?

I started to count down the hours. I didn't want to be camping anymore. I started weighing my options...how many hours till I could be packed and headed back to Lafayette? But I already paid for a second night? Was it worth it? What would I do when I got home? I tried to talk myself out of it, and then to talk myself into leaving early...finally deciding to do so. I had seen what I wanted of the park...I've been recently, and covered ground this weekend that I had not previously been to. I had no reason to stay out in the woods. What I had meant as a weekend of relaxation and re-centering my prayer life had become an internal conflict with myself on how to get out of there as fast as possible. Why had I even come, why did I make such a big deal about getting out of town? I made it back to camp and packed everything up just in-time to catch the last minute of the Purdue game. We won by six beating an opponent that had been slaughtered the week before by our arch-rival IU. I got in the car and headed back to Lafayette.

After I got back I cleaned up and laid down for a bit because I felt a headache coming on. I took a few aspirin and then took about an hour nap. I woke up and was half tempted to roll over and go back to sleep. I got myself out of bed and headed out to Germanfest to have a brat and try the People's Brew Co. specialty beer Oktoberfest...brewed specifically for the Germanfest. I thoroughly enjoyed Germanfest...caught up with some people I hadn't seen in a while and ended up helping to tear down at the end of the night...which included a free beer.

So where am I? I have no clue. In some ways I feel like I answered a few questions this weekend...in other ways...I feel like I am using some of it as a good excuse to stop discerning. My faith life has always been something that I did on my own...no one to really sit down and talk about it with, that just isn't how my family works. So it scares me to turn to someone else for help with my faith life. "I can do this on my own, I don't need someone else to judge me and tell me I am doing it wrong". How long can I keep that attitude before it blows up in my face...has it already blown? How do I open that conversation line up again?

I am not sure anymore what I hoped to get out of the weekend...but I'm not certain I achieved my goal. I shouldn't expect a one weekend fix...go out into the woods and everything will be better, but I was hoping for more of a sense of peace. I am right where I started if not a little more lost than before. I am not sure where to go from here...

Fear and Loneliness...

I have been putting this off...almost every day for a week I have been thinking about writing a post. I use this blog to kind of de-stress and let everything off my chest. Well, I have waited long enough.

I feel so alone, so lost. I can't say I have a direction for my life. I don't even know what I want. Some days I feel like it would be nice to have a significant other...someone I could talk to and let it all out to, I am not talking venting or letting off steam to co-workers. Someone I can truly open my soul to...tell the things I keep tucked away inside.

But other days I stop myself...I want a wife...but am I willing to give up the freedom that single-hood allows. There is a lot of time and effort that needs to go into a relationship...am I willing to do that. In some ways this is why my last real relationship failed. I am not a talk on the phone every night type of person, I like to talk face to face...when that isn't possible, I rarely make the effort. I've tried to get better at it...made attempts. But in the end I am pushing away some of my closest friends because I don't make that effort. I am balancing on a very thin beam. I talk with friends occasionally...but probably not enough anymore to constitute a true friendship.

Do I really have friends...or just acquaintances? If they are all just acquaintances...it isn't their fault, or for lack of trying. I have shut others out...trying to deal with me by myself. I think blaming my ex was a coping mechanism...I'm not saying I wasn't at fault for the break-up, I think we both had our issues. But I think it really scarred me, maybe even changed me. Good came from it...I think? I firmly believe that I did a lot of discerning in that first year...but then it went stale. I tell myself I am discerning...really I think I am just trying to fight through life and find my place in it...discerning, but recklessly...not in the way one should go about it. But with the good, also came the parts that screwed me up...that changed me...

At the point in my life where I thought I had everything figured out and planned out...dating a girl for three years, graduating, ready to start thinking about how I would propose...I fell off the bridge. All of a sudden I was a college graduate applying to McDonald's, no hopes of a job...single...alone and lost.

So where do I go from here? I don't know...if I did...I probably wouldn't be writing this post. I have no idea what to do, or who to reach out to. I am alone in this with a heavy fog lying in front of me. I am scared...