The Single Life for Me?...

I have tried to stay open to discernment but I don't know if I can do it anymore. Or maybe I am doing it wrong? Either way this doesn't seem healthy and I haven't found what I am looking for.

Discernment has become more burden than anything helpful. I want a family, I want children, I want to share my life with someone in a way that I can be open with them and share my deepest fears and agonies in a way that I have never been able to growing up or in any relationship I have ever had, I have always closed myself off. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach, I fall into depression and I find myself trying to fill the hole inside.

I don't know how to fix it, I've tried praying about it, spending time with it in Adoration. I ask God everyday to show me some sort of direction, nothing. I enjoy my work and what I do; it keeps me busy. When I get home at the end of the day it is the only thing I think about. I can't get away from it. It is everywhere, couples dating on screen, seeing couples out in the world, beautiful Catholic women surround me in almost everything I do.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried everything. I've exhausted discerning single life, I have joined Catholic Dating websites, I've tried cutting myself off from the world. Nothing works, nothing can get this out of my head. I just want to find answers, I need a source of hope. I feel so alone.

Ranting, Whining, Praying

I need a vacation...bad. Today was a long day, spent mostly working on the electrical for a warmer in the kitchen but also trying to get an outlet replaced...which was in conjunction with the warmer that wasn't working. I also had to deal with my parking spot being taken, and nothing being done about it. I know that one sounds like I am whining, but it was frustrating having to figure out where to park then moving my car again while I was in the middle of a project because I had parked in a coworker. And I step down from my soap box...that was just a dump of the days activities.

I don't know what it is but I continue to feel empty and alone. I have had so many people give me words of encouragement in the last few weeks but somehow I find the emptiness in it all again and again.

I want to be open to the single life, I am no longer 50/50 I feel more and more that I will be single. I look at it as a burden rather than a vocation. I want to be open to it, but at the same time I feel something is missing. I want to be loved in a way that no friend can love. There is an intimacy that husband and wife can speak through their actions to each other, knowing what the other is feeling at the bat of an eyelash. I want that, I want to give my all to a woman, shower her with gifts and spoil her like a queen.

But I don't know if that is what I am called to. Time and time again I return to the same argument in my head. There are benefits and drawbacks to either vocation...and I still have no firm answer on which one would suit my life most completely. I want to love, but I am tired of being hurt; there is a safety to the single life.