what I want and what I need...

Why is it that all the girls I am interested in are either 5 years younger than me, are uncomfortable that I work at the church or both? I keep waving back and forth on this single life thing. In some ways it would make life easier and I think I would enjoy serving the Church in that capacity. I even joke that I am going to be Mary Stiller when I grow up. But I continue to feel empty inside like some thing is missing. I want someone to hold, someone to care for. But, whether I want and what I need are up to Him and not mine to decide.

Lord, give me patience and take the hurt away.

Fair...?

Today I found a coworker laying down on the couch watching TV. How is this ok? I know several coworkers who work their butts off but are constantly checked to make sure they are contributing and that they are completing their jobs. This coworker is able to slip through the cracks and is paid for what?

It also makes me mad in reference to myself, I work under three job titles and only make a bit over minimum wage with a college degree. Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't appreciate my job. I LOVE my job!!! I understand hard times and am willing to put in the extra effort for no more compensation. What I don't understand is how someone can get twice/three times what I make for laying on the couch watching TV during work hours, coming in at noon and leaving at 4pm, and not being around as a reference to the rest of the staff during work hours.

How can this be fair?

Realizations...

I received an e-mail this evening from a good friend and old roommate. Part of the e-mail struck me and got me thinking.

"“There are two kinds of love, one is the selfish kind which seeks to change people, and then there is love that changes people who love.” I hope and pray that in all things we engage in this second love, allowing God to become truly present in our daily lives making us even greater people."

I pray that I realize this second kind of love in my daily life. I have been focusing on what I want, when I should be focusing on loving others and focusing on their needs so that they can be at ease in their lives.

For patience, will, peace...

An Empty Cup...

I fluctuate back and forth between happiness and a slight depressed state. I know what I want in my life. I pray for patience, for acceptance of his will and for peace that I am where I should be and in my search for vocation.

I struggle that while I find happiness in the single life and at times I feel I could live out that ministry, I have also heard that your vocation will bring you immense happiness. How could that be my calling when I feel so alone and long for someone to hold and hold me. I am empty, Lord fill my cup.

The Emptiness Within...

The Lord puts each of us on this earth for a purpose, to do His will. Each of us will live out that will in a different way; each of us has been given the tools to complete our own task. He has carefully placed each of us so that we fit into His plan.

The one thing I struggle with is why you would feel like you are doing His will, but at the same time feel so lost and alone. Why Lord does it hurt, and when will the emptiness be filled?...

...added note...

Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows this is here, wonder if anyone actually reads my blog. I guess the whole point was to have a place to reflect on life post graduation and what God had in store for me; I believe the blog has done it's job, but I wish others actually read it, and that I had feedback on some of the tougher points so far...sigh...

One of these days I'm gonna see...

Not sure how I feel right now. Today I found a renewed happiness for what I do. I wonder often if I won't live this way the rest of my life. I enjoy it, and it fills a need in the church to make sure that everything is as it should be. However, almost everyone I talk to or offer my opinion of my vocation to: tells me that they see me as a father, or that I will find her out there somewhere.
One day I will understand the struggle I face today; but I do not see that day coming anytime soon...

Peace be with You

Well, life is good... I'm excited that I get to stand in two of my good friends weddings as a groomsman.
I think for the first time in a long while, I am happy with where I am. I enjoy working where I do, I realize I am blessed to be at St. Tom's. And I think I am happy with where God has me right now, I have accepted that His will be done and there really isn't anything I can do to change His mind. He will put me where he needs me and where I will be happiest to live out my life, where that is is still a mystery to me, but all in good time. I am at peace with it for now, His will be done.