The Long Road to Happiness

I don't quite understand it fully, I may never. I have no idea what the Lord wants from me right now. I want more when I know I should not want, I feel alone and at the same time called to the single life. I don't understand why when everyone says you will feel most happy doing God's will, and I feel that I have opened my life to him, that one can feel so alone.
I don't know what to think or where to turn. I could take action but that presents further issues. I feel like I have found what I am to do, but that to do so will leave an empty void in me.
Lord find me and guide me, that I might find happiness in your will.

Advent

We have begun the new year. I look forward to what this new year will bring. I feel strange. I am happy with my job, I enjoy it, sometimes to the point that I wonder if I ever really want to be a teacher. I enjoy the flexibility of my job and the fact that I can go home at night and not have to worry about preparing for the next day.

I am happy, but at the same time I feel empty. I don't know what it is, but I feel alone. I really don't have any idea where God is calling me at this point. I thought I had it all figured out...last May I would have told you that I would be a teacher married with in the next year or two. But now I just don't know. I feel a little lost. What once seemed so right, no longer fits into the puzzle. I want someone to share my life with, but that's just it..."I want". It's not about what I want, it's what he wants. I just don't understand. I was under the impression that you would know where God is calling you, because that is what would bring you the most immense happiness you ever felt. But I haven't figured out how a possible call to the single life can make me happy. I need someone there to share my accomplishments with, at least I feel like I do. I feel that I was built to love. I love my friends, but I mean to go beyond that and love a woman.

Not my will but yours O Lord. Help me to know what you are calling me toward, fill this void in me that I may see you in whatever you would have me do. Lord give me the strength and patience to wait it out. And if you wish me in the married life, help me to find her, and help her to know of me.

Long time no see...

It has been a while...almost two months in fact. It has been busy but not at the same time. I was just on Come and See this past weekend. A great time for fellowship with Men who are strong in their faith. The C&S showed me some things about where God may be calling me. I do not feel that this call involves the religious life, and this was somewhat confirmed by my old roomate who is currently in Denver living out his vocation in the Novitiate. (Man I miss him) He told me he really never saw me becoming a religious, though he would have enjoyed being 'brothers'.

The C&S did however open my eyes to another vocation, Youth Ministry. Since I have been sharing that with my friends they have all told me that it was about time I realized my calling. One of the 4 pillars of the Dominican Order is Study, so they mentioned the Aquinas Institute in St. Louis...actually where a lot of the presentations at C&S were held. The place is beautiful, and they offer Masters degrees in Pastoral Ministry. I really feel like this may be where God is calling me. This might be the reason I didn't leave Purdue, and didn't find a Teaching job. I still need to figure out how to pay for it and what all goes into it...but I really think I need to do this.

God grant that I may see your will and that it shall be done through me. Hold me and shape me that I may use my talents in your service. Grant that I may be a light to those around me

"I have much to write to you, but I do not wish to write with pen and ink." - 3 John 13

I came across this a few weeks ago at CROSS, and I really liked it. I have not figured out how this applies to my life yet...but I can see some possibilities, one being that God calls, but it may not be in an obvious form such as a billboard. God will call in all ways, but we must learn his language before we can truly listen to his word.

Patience and Understanding...???

I really don't understand this whole grown-up thing. This is the time I am supposed to look forward to, something I have been dreaming of my entire life to this point. Why do I feel so empty? I don't feel like I have anyone to share this with, I feel so alone. I graduated into a job market that is less than friendly to my degree, my girlfriend (the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with) dumped me a month and a half after I graduated. I just want to run away from it all.I want to see the world, but I can't. I don't have the money. I have a decent job...but it pays the bills. I want more...I want a life...one which I can be proud of. I want to move on, forward. I am sick of this same thing over and over, I am sick of being alone. "Is it a waste of time...So why are you running away" I feel like I am missing something, something is hiding in the darkness waiting for me to find it. I do not have the patience for it to come. I want my life to start...now...

The Deafening Silence

My God, My God; Why have you forsaken me?

Patience is a Virtue

One more application, and more waiting. I want to know if I have a teaching job, I want to teach. St. Tom's is great but it doesn't let me share my love of history with my students. Lesson planning may not be the most fun in the world, but it is the means to the end.

My parents would be off my back too. I can't do anything right according to them. It's my fault that I graduated in this economy and haven't found a job yet. I want to be a great teacher, but I need a chance to prove it to others. Lord help me to have PATIENCE, as I hope to do your will. Help me to UNDERSTAND that your will may not be enacted the way I plan, but that it follows a purpose you have laid out for me. Help me Lord to allow you to work through me.

Of the days we spent with you...

The days dwindle down to the end of summer. Many are depressed because the summer is ending. I am too, but not because of the end of summer. This summer has been restful, and I have gotten to see a lot of friends whom I haven't seen in some time, or will not see for a long while. No, it is depressing because as we creep closer and closer to the end of summer, that means one less day to hear back from schools to see if I will be joining students in the classroom this fall. I have found a good job that will pay the bills, and I enjoy it. But it isn't teaching, I have spent the last 5 years learning to do something I have wanted to do for the last 13 years, and now that I can legally teach, no one has a job open for myself and many of my classmates.

This year will bring many changes. Many of my friends have moved on, graduated, found Big Kid jobs. My life has taken several turns this summer. Changes in relationship status, the way my parents view my accomplishments. I as God for guidance, but I do not listen for His answer. Patience is something that I continue to work on, hoping all will come now is one of my weaknesses. I want to see my dreams realized but I need to trust that they will be, in accordance to His plan.

God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Lord, help me to find your will, your plans for me in career, vocation, and where you feel I will best use the talents you have given me.

Randoms

Regular this is not...but I did come back to it. So still looking for a job though I did find something for the time being. I work as an office aide doing a bunch of random, what ever I am asked, at St. Tom's. I enjoy it, but I really wish I could find a teaching job. I have a few more apps out in the area...resigned my lease so I need to stay in the area now. I have my eye on North Montgomery, hoping that pans out. This week has been a lot of fun. Hanging out with friends some I will not see for some time again, others I haven't seen in a while. My friends are a valuable asset, I treasure them all dearly. It's sad when they all have to go home. :-( Until we meet again, I will be thinking of all my friends, and taking advantage of being able to see the friends that I am able to see, more often!!!

Trying from my phone. Another great friend married today. I really want a job so I can start my life. Start work a week from mon. Kara's wedding in two weeks.

Home

Well, I made it home for the first time since Christmas, minus a brief stop over to pick up my sister at the end of her Spring Break. I don't really come home much anymore. 2 more jobs came available today...looks like filling out applications tomorrow...we are somewhere in the 50-60s on applications filled out...I am really getting tired of this, but with each passing day I see more stories on the news about how many teachers are being laid off...jobs are not opening up, they are being removed.

Lord grant me the strength to press on so that I may find faith in the job market. Help me to find comfort that I put myself into the teaching world early on working at summer camp instead of for minimum wage at a fast food restaurant. Give me the chance to prove myself that I may find a job to fill.

One Step Closer

Well, I have a job...for the summer. I was just hired on at Conner Prairie to work as a Lifeguard for the summer. It will be a little bit different then when I worked at Tamarack, WLSR. I will essentially be a river guide, lifeguard. I am looking forward to it except that it will mean an hour and a half drive every morning. Well, I guess I am used to it after student teaching...and being that it is a lifeguard job, I may just be able to roll out of bed in the morning and hop in my car, take a shower there or when I get home. We'll see how it goes, until then. Trusting in the Lord that I will find something permanent.

A New Start

Well...here we go. I am now a college graduate. Seems funny to say that but after 5 years, go victory lap, we made it and now I am in the real world...only problem is the real world isn't ready for me and doesn't have a job for me. I filled out 8 applications today, bringing the total to around 50 some...I should really check that number.

We're going to try this whole blog thing out...I may just be excited about this tonight and never touch it again...or I may continue to use this and get a lot out of it. All in time.

Job interview tomorrow at Conner Prairie!!!