Same Issue, Different Faces

Well...I've avoided this long enough. I keep telling myself that I should write on my blog...but never really talk myself into it. It's time...

So, the last month has been rough. I gave a girl a second chance. It was great, or so I thought. I started out slow telling myself to be cautious, that I might get hurt. I reached a point...probably when she asked me why I hadn't kissed her while we were making dinner (there were several ample opportunities, and I wanted to...but didn't). That's when I gave in, and threw cares to the wind. I kissed her, we talked about it for a few minutes that night...and decided we would be dating again. SWEET RIGHT?

Well...a few weeks later I was supposed to cook for her at my apt, plans changed and her family was in town so she needed to head back to spend time with them...she invited me to go with. I did and asked her on the drive over what I should say if asked who I was...she said I could be the boyfriend...I was STOKED!

A month passed...I had made a few trips down to her place, and she was back in town so we were going to do a movie night. Well she came over for movie night and did not seem like she was up for the movie, we needed to talk. She stared into the same speel she gave me last time about how she wasn't sure it was fair for her to put her weird personality on me. I saw this coming, but this time I had a better argument for her how I could explain to her that it didn't bother me and that I was willing to work with it.

This should have been a sign. It didn't feel right but at this point it was just nice to be dating again, so I ignored my gut and went ahead with an "I don't care" attitude. About a week later my gut proved right. She texted me saying she needed to talk to me...asking if I had time to talk on the phone later that evening. I had a feeling where this was going so I asked her what about? My phone rang and we had a 10 minute conversation about how she still couldn't see it, leaving me single.

I don't know if I would have been better off not giving her the second chance, but I have had a hole that I cannot fill since she broke up with me that night. Its different than the hole I had earlier this year somehow. I tried after the breakup to tell myself that this was a renewed call to discern the single life, but I don't know if I believe myself. I am still stuck in the balance of "I want a girlfriend" and "Do I have time for a relationship?". I feel a hole that I cannot fill, an emptiness/longing for someone to share my life with on a deeper level. Time and time again I face the same challenge: I can't find anyone that I can date in the area, nor can I find someone who wants to date me.

I am usually the one to be all ears, to listen to others when they struggle in a situation. It is hard though to do that when I don't have anyone I feel comfortable enough with to be those ears for me. I bottle it in and I am reaching the point of overflowing. I feel like all the posts on this blog are me moaning and groaning over my life problems...never really happy posts. Is this blog the place I turn to for a comforting ear? Am I afraid of being alone? Why does this emptiness hurt so much, and when/how will it go away?