Mind the Gap

I miss having friends around that would hound me to get me to open up about what was bugging me. I have a lot of acquaintances that will question how I'm doing that day...but at the moment...none that see through a simple "doing good". Once the shell is cracked...I can talk more, but I don't talk about my feelings to people as much as I should. Instead I bottle them up until I explode on a post like this...and then end up being a bunch of garble that doesn't really say much about me or what I am going through. Or they turn out to be a rant that I am sure people have gotten sick of reading...if people actually read these. I know what I want...and I know where I am right now. I just don't know how to get where I want to be. It is that empty space between the two that causes me the pain, and gets me questioning what I really want in life. One day I will figure this all out...or I will spend my life alone, whether that is my call or not. I wish I had the answers. I wish I had someone to talk to about this that would understand and could talk me through it.

The Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today is one of the longest days I have had in a while. Where to begin...my dad essentially shot down any hopes I had for moving to a house, the other part of that one was seeing my paycheck and realizing I can't afford the houses I was looking at. I got pulled in about 8 different directions...which is usual for me...but today was more stressful than normal. I still have co-workers that don't understand what a deadline is. I am leaned on for EVERYTHING...if something comes up Andy will take care of it. Thankfully, I ended up getting everything done.

I am surrounded by beautiful, Catholic, women; none of which I have a chance with. None seem interested in me...and most are in that awkward spot of being students where I work.

I'm trapped. I enjoy what I do...most of the time. I don't make enough to realize some of my biggest dreams. I dream of woman I cannot have,

The Single Life for Me?...

I have tried to stay open to discernment but I don't know if I can do it anymore. Or maybe I am doing it wrong? Either way this doesn't seem healthy and I haven't found what I am looking for.

Discernment has become more burden than anything helpful. I want a family, I want children, I want to share my life with someone in a way that I can be open with them and share my deepest fears and agonies in a way that I have never been able to growing up or in any relationship I have ever had, I have always closed myself off. Every time I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach, I fall into depression and I find myself trying to fill the hole inside.

I don't know how to fix it, I've tried praying about it, spending time with it in Adoration. I ask God everyday to show me some sort of direction, nothing. I enjoy my work and what I do; it keeps me busy. When I get home at the end of the day it is the only thing I think about. I can't get away from it. It is everywhere, couples dating on screen, seeing couples out in the world, beautiful Catholic women surround me in almost everything I do.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have tried everything. I've exhausted discerning single life, I have joined Catholic Dating websites, I've tried cutting myself off from the world. Nothing works, nothing can get this out of my head. I just want to find answers, I need a source of hope. I feel so alone.

Ranting, Whining, Praying

I need a vacation...bad. Today was a long day, spent mostly working on the electrical for a warmer in the kitchen but also trying to get an outlet replaced...which was in conjunction with the warmer that wasn't working. I also had to deal with my parking spot being taken, and nothing being done about it. I know that one sounds like I am whining, but it was frustrating having to figure out where to park then moving my car again while I was in the middle of a project because I had parked in a coworker. And I step down from my soap box...that was just a dump of the days activities.

I don't know what it is but I continue to feel empty and alone. I have had so many people give me words of encouragement in the last few weeks but somehow I find the emptiness in it all again and again.

I want to be open to the single life, I am no longer 50/50 I feel more and more that I will be single. I look at it as a burden rather than a vocation. I want to be open to it, but at the same time I feel something is missing. I want to be loved in a way that no friend can love. There is an intimacy that husband and wife can speak through their actions to each other, knowing what the other is feeling at the bat of an eyelash. I want that, I want to give my all to a woman, shower her with gifts and spoil her like a queen.

But I don't know if that is what I am called to. Time and time again I return to the same argument in my head. There are benefits and drawbacks to either vocation...and I still have no firm answer on which one would suit my life most completely. I want to love, but I am tired of being hurt; there is a safety to the single life.

Burnout

I think I have finally reached burnout.

I am working roughly 60 hour weeks, I haven't had a day off in over a year. I am called into work on the weekend...on a regular basis. I complete most of my tasks with 5 minutes to spare because I wait on others who don't turn in their portions of a project until the last possible second. My list of projects grows faster than I can cross items off the list...

When people ask how I am doing, I am quick to answer, "Fine" or "I'm doing ok". I'm not i'm burned out. I enjoy the fast pace of my job and the ability to do something different every day, but it is taxing. Can I keep up with this mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually?

I have lost hope spiritually. I used to be so happy, I was excited to take on new challenges. Now, I don't know my purpose. I was into the whole discernment idea, "you just have to give it time", but I want to live my life. I have made almost no progress...and when I think I am making progress, it blows up in my face.

I wonder if I have found my "security blanket" in this job and that I am afraid to grow up. I thought this was a blessing; a job in a horrible economy, serving my church and giving me time to reflect on life. Well, I'm not so sure any more; and I really don't know what to do.

Let Me Out - Future Leaders of the World

Lost in the Darkness, No Shoulder to Cry On

I am really starting to wonder about this online dating stuff. I had been talking to this girl online for about a month and a half. Everything was going smoothly and so I asked her if she would like to meet up for dinner. I felt like this was a logical step and that I wasn't rushing anything too quickly. I was met with this:

"Perhaps, just as friends. When I signed up on CM, I was really hurt from my last relationship and I don't know what exactly I was looking for. Now that I've had some more time to myself, I've realized that time is exactly what I need. I want to be by myself for a while, and fill my life with better people. If you're okay with that, then sure!"

Now correct me if I am wrong but I thought the whole point of being on a dating website was that you were interested in dating. Apparently I am severely mistaken.

I am at a loss for words right now. I have no idea what God wants of me. I've tried being patient I want to give it all to Him but I can't do this much longer. It hurts. I don't feel like I have the shoulder to lean on that I used to have. I have acquaintances at Purdue and St. Tom's, but not really anyone I feel I can bare my soul to.I don't have a best friend anymore...they have all "grown up" gotten married, traveled the world, or joined religious orders. I feel like I have allowed myself to be left behind.

I know the work I am doing is fruitful. I know that I put in a hard days work and others see the good that I do. But I don't know if I get anything out of it. I don't have time for myself, and if I do it is tucked into the 3-4 hour window between getting home from work and going to sleep.

I need a vacation. I want a girlfriend. I need a community that understands me. I want a shoulder to lean on. I need a light in the darkness. I want my faith and prayer life back.

Exhausted

I'm exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...I just don't understand what's happened to me. I can't shake last year, I've lost my sense of joy and I feel alone. I used to pray everyday for guidance in God's will. I still have no clue what I am supposed to do with my life. I'm losing hope, drive and faith. I don't enjoy doing a lot of the things I used to, I feel lost. I don't know who to turn to. In college I had friends who called me out when they saw me down, I don't have that same community to turn to. I still have my faith, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't enjoy Mass; seeing it more as a chore than a blessed sacrament. Help me Lord.